Guess who's back? Back again! Sad Dad's back. Tell a friend!
It has been over three years since I stepped back from this blog, and I'm still not quite sure why I did. Writing has always been my outlet, and yet when I probably needed it the most, I put down the figurative pen and stepped away from one of my best forms of therapy. I absolutely could have used this during the COVID lockdowns, and I have a feeling that it could have been of some help to other dads who were trying to figure out how to navigate the unknown. Yet I still didn't come back to it for so long, and I left it to gather digital dust.
I think it's about time I cleaned off the detritus of the last three years and opened a few windows in here. This blog needs some fresh air, and my mental health could really use some airing out. It's too cluttered and dusty in my brain; so after a few song references, I think it's time to dive back into the world of Sad Dad, and see if I can help ease the load for anyone who is traveling the same broken road as I am.
"My name is Aaron, and I am a Sad Dad."
I smile and glance around the room, seeing so many different faces wearing a variety of expressions. Some are hopeful, others trying to hide their pain, and some seem to be past the point of caring about anything or anyone. All of them look exhausted.
"Hi, Aaron," they all say in unison.
I clap my hands once loudly and see a few people jump. "Welcome to Sad Dad," I say warmly. "Notice I didn't add 'Anonymous' on to the end there, because when it comes to the mental issues we all deal with, you can't win the war while hiding the truth from everyone. That's a path that only leads to darker places, no matter how much you try to pretend that everything is okay. You're not alone though, and that's the main thing I want all of you to realize and understand."
I pause and raise my voice to continue. "I AM NOT ALONE. Go ahead, say it with me. I know it sounds cheesy, but I need you all to get it. I AM NOT ALONE. Louder, let's hear it! I AM NOT ALONE. I AM NOT ALONE. I AM NOT ALONE!"
There are a few nervous chuckles in the silence that follows, but they are overshadowed by sobs and sniffling. They get it. At least some of them do. We don't have to walk this life alone.
Let's get the list out of the way. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, insecurity, anger issues, regret, trauma, and on and on and on. Sometimes I think it's like Pokemon in my brain: Mental Health Issues - Gotta Catch 'Em All! Every time I think I have one conquered, another comes in like Team Rocket to try and reverse the progress I have made. It's made me realize over time that mental health isn't a quick fight that you can win overnight. Instead, it's a war that can last through your entire life, with battles that pop up when you least expect them.
There is no quick fix when it comes to things like depression and anxiety. Yes, medication is a great help, especially when you are working with a doctor who makes sure that they get you on the best medicine for your unique brain chemistry. Even that isn't quick; it may take weeks or months to find something that works well for you, but it is absolutely worth sticking with even through the side effects.
The biggest thing that can make the difference with your mental health though, even while you are getting the medication figured out, is your support system. You need people who you trust and can be open and honest with. Whether it is a counselor, a pastor, or a licensed therapist, you must be willing to open that closet door and confront the skeletons that you have been hiding. Odds are there are probably quite a few sets of old and brittle bones in there that you don't even realize are weighing you down.
When I started talking with my most recent therapist, I thought I just had a few simple things I needed to work through. As it turned out, it took an excavator to dig me out of all the crap I had let pile up. I thought that if I just pushed it down and forgot about it, everything would be kittens and sunshine, and no one would ever notice what was hiding in the shadows. With his help, I worked through a lot of the issues that I had never truly confronted before, and I came out the other side in a much better place than when I went in.
However, as it happens, the roller coaster that is my metal health wasn't content with sitting at the top of the hill. There's a valley just on the other side that I'm currently racing down into. I'm not sure where the bottom is, or what I will find there. I don't know exactly how I'll climb back up out of this time of darkness, because every time it takes confronting a different demon before the way back up is opened again. Every time I hope that it will be the last I have to wade through the murk and mire of my subconscious mind, but in the back of my head I always keep my galoshes ready.
I know, it's a little heavy with metaphors, but you get my point. Right now, I'm depressed. Plain and simply depressed. The cliché is true: it's as if the color has drained from the world. I know it's bad when I spend a week at the beach with my family, and I feel almost nothing the entire time we are there. No real joy, no peace, no contentment. It's as if my brain saw the most beautiful sunset ever, and just shrugged it's shoulders and said, "eh. Whatever."
So here I am again, letting my words out in a way that I hope helps not only myself, but others. I am very grateful that I have such a supporting wife who encourages me to be open with her and to let her know when I'm struggling. I am very grateful that I have family and friends who are here for me when I need someone to talk with. I also know that many people don't have that support around them, so they truly feel like they are in this war alone.
Well, you are not alone. We are here for each other. Reach out. Ask for help, be open to receiving help in whatever form it comes.
"Gondor calls for aid! And Rohan will answer!"
Let's walk this path together, shall we? I think I'll stick around a while this time. Maybe I'll pop in every Wednesday with some honesty and openness, and let the writing therapy work it's magic. Until then, keep your head above water. The flood won't last forever.
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