I really hate my brain sometimes. I don't need to go to an amusement park to ride a roller-coaster; I just need to hang out in my own head for a while and try to hold on through the mental twists and turns. King's Dominion in Virginia has a roller-coaster called "Flight of Fear", which is an enclosed coaster that races you through the darkness, so you never know what you'll be doing next. Those unexpected twists and turns are exciting and exhilarating in the context of a ride; not so much when it's operating inside your own mind.
"My name is Aaron, and I am a Sad Dad."
"Hi, Aaron."
I sigh and shake my head. "I'm sad. Again. I swear sometimes I feel like Michael Corleone. 'Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!' I really thought I was on a good climb this time." I pause for a moment, searching for words. "Then the bottom dropped out."
There are murmurs of understanding and commiseration around the room, and I nod in acknowledgement.
"I went to the doctor with the intention of adjusting my meds and finding a new therapist to chat with. Then when the appointment came, I was feeling pretty good! I figured that since I was improving, why mess with the status quo? It's only uphill from here, right?
"It's like the cliché story where your car is making a weird noise, but when you get it into the shop, lo and behold, no noise! They give it a once over and send you on your way, saying that whatever was causing the noise must have fixed itself. You get the car back home, but your relief is short-lived when...there's the noise again! You scream and you curse and you kick the tires, but you know you have to get it back into the shop, again and again and again in the hopes that someone can figure out what is going on.
"Speaking of, does anyone know what it means when your car's exhaust plays 'Seven Nation Army', but only at highway speeds?"
Around me, there are a few chuckles, as well as a few groans and eye rolls.
"It only took a few days after that appointment I had last week before I realized that I was slipping into depression again. You know it's bad when you can't even enjoy your favorite pastimes. If I'm using a bow and arrow to snipe a robot T-Rex from the back of a cybernetic pterodactyl, but it feels more boring than doing taxes, what's the point? I mean, apologies to any Accountants out there, but come on! When watching an exciting Marvel movie feels more like watching paint dry or grass grow, you know you have a problem. Almost as if you were accidentally watching a DC Comics movie instead."
I smile deviously, and that gets more laughter and a few shouts of faux outrage.
"Last week I talked about getting into a rut in life, and how that can impact your relationship with the people around you. When I'm depressed, I don't give a crap about anyone or anything. Don't get me wrong, I try pretty damn hard to do what I need to do, but anything over the bare minimum appears to me as an unbreachable wall. If I don't absolutely HAVE to do it, I won't. That of course triggers the guilt, which in turn just makes the depression worse as I beat myself up.
"It's my wife and my kids that are impacted the most when I go through these dark times. I love a good hug or snuggle, but my patience with my kids is virtually non-existent. I snap at them for little things, instead of being the good role model that I know they need and helping them work through their emotions. When my son comes up to me cautiously and says, 'I know you're mad' after he's done something innocent that should get nothing more than a sigh and a chuckle from me, it breaks my heart. This isn't the kind of dad I want to be for my kids.
"This also isn't the kind of husband I want to be for my wife. We are supposed to be a team, and while I am so, so thankful I married a woman who can carry the load by herself for a while, that shouldn't become her every day normal. She needs to know that I am here for her, too, but in order to be there for her, I have to take care of myself. Fake it 'til you make it doesn't really work when it comes to mental health."
I pause and look around the room, staring into each set of eyes.
"You are not alone. I am not alone. We are not alone. It doesn't just take a village to raise a child, sometimes it also takes a village to keep that child sane and healthy as an adult. Reach out, ask for help. There's no reason to be ashamed. You'll find that a lot of people are dealing with the same sort of issues as you, and some of them will be able to help guide you towards what has helped them. I'm asking for help too, because I know that I can't do this on my own.
"They say that the first step in addiction recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, the first step in mental health recovery is admitting that you need help. Asking for help isn't weakness. In fact, acknowledging that you can't do something on your own and reaching out for assistance can be one of the strongest, bravest things that you can ever do."
The heat wave that we have been dealing with finally broke earlier this week, and talk about relief. Granted, I would really prefer the leaves changing colors and falling off the trees, along with the need for a jacket, but I'll take a little less sweating. For the moment. Odds are though that this is just a temporary reprieve, and we will have more miserably hot weather before too long.
I'm looking forward to autumn though. Summer is just a season, and unless the Earth decides to break it's orbit and take a closer trip around the sun, cooler weather is inevitable. It's the same with the roller coaster: eventually you come out of the darkness, and you find yourself slowing down, able to breathe easier than you have for a long while. Even the Avengers had to lose and go through some seriously dark times before they (SPOILER ALERT!) came back together as a team and beat Thanos.
So I'm going to keep striving, and I'll keep writing. Even if the only thing this blog does is help me find my way into the light, I know it will have been worth it.
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